Monday, March 17, 2008

Real Men don't play bleed bounce

Back in the good old days -- the "Golden Era" of VtES -- it was easy to separate the men from the boys (sometimes called "Real Men" and "Quiche Eaters" in the literature). During this period in the mid '90s, the Real Men were the ones who played "Brujah" and "Gangrel", and the Quiche Eaters were the ones who played "Ventrue" vote or even worse "Malkavian" Stealth Bleed.

Real Men had a hard time getting enough "Immortal Grapple" (which was a "Rare" card then) to beat the crap out of the Quiche Eaters playing "Ventrue" decks w/ "Majesty" for free. Back in the old days, you could bleed a dozen of times with the same minion, "Return to Innocence" was not banned, and your nut friend could drive the table crazy with playing "Madness of the Bard". But Real Men don't complain though, they are just trying to oust their next prey.

Time changes, after all, new clans and new sects have seen the light of the moon, and LSJ has taken over VtES development. Now Real Men have to deal with three-way anarch cards, ridicilous Imbued, fricking Gehenna events and "Quietus"-based bleed actions.

But still -- during the 14th year in a world of VtES -- Real Men prevail and are the role models for new players and still the enemy for the Quiche Eaters. After reading this article you will know why Real Men will still be playing VtES when White Wolf has closed down, when the Quiche Eaters have left the game and when MtG's 110th edition is published.

Decks
The easiest way to tell Real Men from the rest of the VtES crowd is by the decks he plays. Real Men don't need the abstract concepts or game theoretics -- like card flow, table control or tempo -- to get their preys ousted. All they require to have fun and win is a deck of cards, 30 pool, a prey to their left and a beer.
  • Real Men like to play decks with Jyhad-backed cards only.
  • Real Men play w/o bleed bounce. They like too much seeing vampires burned by "Archon Investigation"!
  • Real Men play rush combat decks. Straight forward bleed and vote decks are for quiche-eating VtES players.
  • If a Real Men plays a vote deck, he uses cards like "Sabbat Threat" or "Might of the Camarilla" to oust his prey.
  • Real Men do not play with weenies, they play 10 caps without AUS or DOM, but with FOR,POT and ANI ...

Real Games
VtES players tend to categorize decks and try to predict the mythic metagame before playing a major tournament. All this mumbo-jumbo and fancy talking about how Imbued destroyed the game balance or that you need to deny the Stealth Bleed the ability to cycle their Stealth by not blocking their actions, distract the players from their real task, destroying their prey (and predator if necessary). You see, what always helps is violence, naked pure violence only combat-based decks and disciplines like "Potence" or "Quietus" provide. Some quick observations on Real Men and violence:
  • Real Men play hardened, violent rush combat in causal games.
  • Real Men play hardened, violent rush combat in draft games.
  • Real Men play hardened, violent rush combat in tournaments.
  • Real Men play hardened, violent rush combat in storyline events.
  • Real Men do not need to justify playing hardened, violent rush combat -- the need is obvious.
As we can see, the determined Real Man can always spread violence among his opponents in any format or game environment. How this is achieved does not matter, it can be a Warghoul deck, Potence-Fortitude or even Celerity Gun, anything that can inflict at least 3 damage in a combat round. It also proves Peter Bakija is a Real Man.

Real men have a distinctive style of play when using hardened, violent rush combat:

The Edge & other tools of the trade
Another way of looking at Real Men playing VtES is take a look at the equipment like the Edge (not the U2 guitarist, you dummy) or pool counter Real Men use. Real Men do not use over-the-counter equipment like the glass counters (received for winning a tournament), or the Edge you can order from "White Wolf" on the web.
  • Real Men use an antique coin, a World War I shrapnel, or an animal skull as Edge.
  • Real Men use an bullets, coins, or knuckle bones as blood counters. Glass beads, plastic toys, or cutesy clay roses are out of question, these are goods for trading with the natives in the ancient times.
  • If they have use card sleeves due to different cards backs, Real Men use uni-colored card sleeves (black or red are acceptable), nothing fancy or none at all. Otherwise they are going commando.
  • Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh! plastic boxes are the worst when it comes to storing a Real Men's deck. Prefered are the 10th Anniversary tins or anything else made from metal or wood.

"The Good, the Bad and the Ugly"
To give more insight into the mind of the Real Men look at the "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" (btw, a Real Men's movie) of VtES cards in a "Real Men's" opinion:
Real Men have to see the true potential in cards. For example, a card like "Week of Nightmares" seems to be a card for Quiche Eater at the first glance, but if you take a closer look to see the potential. Give the "Ravnos" "Tumnosis" "Potence" when recruiting, then play "Week of Nightmares". In the following turn play a "Frontal Assault", and attack! During combat the "Ravnos" use "Trap", "Torn Signpost" and "Apparatition" to kill anything. If any opposition is left, then go bleeding.


The Future
What of the future? While the past has seen the rise of despicable "Imbued", "Pander Con. Boon" decks or cards like "Veil the Legions" or "Dream World", there is still hope. While Real Men still play VtES and can be the role model for new players not all is lost. And LSJ doesn't seem to have lost focus on the needs of Real Men when he designed new cards like "Preternatual Strength", "Cobra Fangs" or "Monster".

There is still hope, if Real Men can provide the necessary ideals to the young and needy:
  • Real Men do not need to make deals. Their decks are strong enough to win on their own!
  • Real Men do not have look into an opponents ash heap. They know!
  • Real Men do not need to withdraw. Ever.
  • Real Men do not wear high heeled shoes.
  • Real Men do not need two 2 hours to win.
  • Real Men arrive for the 3rd round, and still win the tournament.
  • Real Men might or might not know their girlfriend's/wife's name. He does, however, know the entire all disciplines of all vampires ever printed (and the artists who painted the pics).
And there's yet another "Week of Nightmares" (before the NAC) to come, where "Real Man" meet buddies, drink beer and play VtES. What an unlife!

References
Posted by extrala at 1:00:00 AM
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2 comments:

SkyZo said...

I read this long time ago.
Now I have the chance to make some sort of comment, man you rock!
Every single player should think the same though. I hate it when bleeds end up killing innocent Matuselahs.
I'll take those arguments into account...
You did changed my life, thank you.

December 25, 2008 at 12:41 AM
Unknown said...

I have always thought along the same lines. I am ashamed to admit I've been playing "Quiche Eater" decks a lot. This has inspired me to become a Real Man.

March 27, 2009 at 1:03 PM

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