Saturday, December 26, 2009

Dead Expansion Sketch

This is the VtES-style version of Dead Parrot Sketch by Monty Python, first seen on the telly some thirty years ago.

The cast:
John Cleese
Michael Palin
The sketch:
  • A customer enters a game store.
  • Mr. Cordovera: 'ello, I wish to register a complaint.
  • (The owner does not respond.)
  • Mr. Cordovera: 'ello, Miss?
  • Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
  • Mr. Cordovera: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
  • Owner: We're closin' for good.
  • Mr. Cordovera: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this booster box what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
  • Owner: Oh yes, uh, Nights of Reckoning...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?
  • Mr. Cordovera: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
  • Owner: No, no, it's uh,'s evolin'.
  • Mr. Cordovera: Look, matey, I know a dead expansion when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
  • Owner: No no it's not dead, it's, it's evolvin'! Remarkable expansion, the Imbued, isn'it, ay? Beautiful mechanics!
  • Mr. Cordovera: The mechanics don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
  • Owner: Nononono, no, no! It's evolvin'!
  • Mr. Cordovera: All right then, if it's evolvin', I'll wake it up! (shaking the box) 'ello, Mister Hunter Imbued! I've got a lovely fresh monster to block for you if you show...
  • (Owner hits the box)
  • Owner: There, it moved!
  • Mr. Cordovera: No, it didn't, that was you hitting the box!
  • Owner: I never!!
  • Mr. Cordovera: Yes, you did!
  • Owner: I never, never did anything...
  • Mr. Cordovera: (yelling and hitting the box repeatedly) 'ello Imbued!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your eight o'clock game start!
  • (Takes booster out of the box and rips it open. Throws the cards up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor. The other customers in the store ignore the cards on the floor.)
  • Mr. Cordovera: Now that's what I call a dead expansion.
  • Owner: No, no.....No, it's out-of-print!
  • Mr. Cordovera: Out-of-print?!?
  • Owner: Yeah! You bought it, just as it was startin' through! Nights of Reckoning sold out pretty fast, major. So people don't recognize the cards anymore.
  • Mr. Cordovera: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That expansion is definitely dead, and when I purchased it not 'alf an 'our ago, you assured me that its total lack of playability was due to it bein' intellectual and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
  • Owner: Well, it''s, ah...probably pining for the very best players.
  • Mr. Cordovera: Pinin' for the Very best players?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did all cards fall flat on their faces the moment I ripped open the boosters?
  • Owner: The Imbued Hunter Mortal cards prefer lyin' on their faces! Remarkable minions, aren't they, champ? Lovely print quality!
  • Mr. Cordovera: Look, I took the liberty of examining these booster foils when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason the cards didn't fall out, was that there closed back again with adhesive tape.
  • (pause)
  • Owner: Well, o'course they were glued together! If I hadn't glued them together again, fanatic players would have ripped them open without buying the booster box first, Wham, bam! No business for me, guv.
  • Mr. Cordovera: "Wham"?!? Mate, these boosters wouldn't "wham" if you put four million volts through them! The expansion's bleedin' demised!
  • Owner: No no! It's pinin' for the best!
  • Mr. Cordovera: It's not pinin'! It's passed on! This expansion is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn't glued the boosters back together they'd be pushing up the daisies! Its tournament appearances are now 'istory! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket, it's shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! This is an Ex-Expansion!!
  • (pause)
  • Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of vampire expansions.
  • Mr. Cordovera: I see. I see, I get the picture.
  • Owner: I got Rage.
  • (pause)
  • Mr. Cordovera: Pray, is it popular?
  • Owner: Nnnnot really.
  • Mr. Cordovera: Well it's hardly a bloody replacement, is it?!!???!!?
  • Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
  • Mr. Cordovera: Well.
  • (pause)
  • Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
  • Mr. Cordovera: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.
Also refer to Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch and it's cultural significance on Wikipedia.

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